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" If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. "

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" People will pay more to be entertained than educated. "

" Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. "

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" We're more effective than birth control pills. "

" People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances. "

" The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that. "

" Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. "

" I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. "

" Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. "

" Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. "

" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. "

" The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. "

" Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "

" I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. "

" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. "

" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. "

" Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' "

" If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "

" When turkeys mate they think of swans. "

" If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "

" There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young. "

" My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. "

" I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "

" New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. "

" Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. "