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All Quotes by author - Ron White
" A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man. "
Heaven
Restaurant
Man
" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "
Watch
Tell
Story
" Comedy is all about the pause. "
About
Comedy
Pause
" Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! "
Shut
Diamonds
Her
" Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels. "
Mexican
Dislike
Building
" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "
Party
You
Find
" I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup. "
Long
Doing
Plan
" I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part. "
Small
Rather
Than
" If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff. "
Trying
Night
Doing
" I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. "
Silent
Ability
Had
" I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product! "
Spaghetti
Chili
You
" I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage. "
Much
Stage
Give
" I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship. "
Communication
Relationship
Positive
" I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. "
Going
Got
Because
" My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks. "
Lazy
Cross
Brain
" My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers. "
Hot
Red
Brothers
" Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. "
Death
Death Penalty
Lane
" People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. "
Drink
People
Saying
" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "
Know
Laugh
Hands
" The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off. "
Off
America
Turn
" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "
Go
Funny
You
" There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between. "
Walk
People
Build
" There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever. "
Forever
Go
Stupid
" The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. "
Brain
School
You
" When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows. "
Much
Water
Trouble
" You can't fix stupid. "
You
Stupid
Fix
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