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" Comedy is all about the pause. "

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" You can't fix stupid. "

" The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. "

" My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers. "

" I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. "

" Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! "

" My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks. "

" I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage. "

" Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. "

" The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off. "

" If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff. "

" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "

" I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part. "

" I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product! "

" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "

" I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship. "

" People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. "

" I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup. "

" Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever. "

" I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. "

" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "

" A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man. "

" When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows. "