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" I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. "

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" When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows. "

" People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. "

" I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup. "

" A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man. "

" Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels. "

" Comedy is all about the pause. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part. "

" I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship. "

" My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers. "

" The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. "

" If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff. "

" You can't fix stupid. "

" There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between. "

" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "

" I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage. "

" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "

" My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks. "

" I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product! "

" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "

" The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off. "

" I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. "

" Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! "

" Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. "