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" I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. "
Ron White
Silent
Ability
Had
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" My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks. "
Ron White
Lazy
Cross
Brain
" I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup. "
Ron White
Long
Doing
Plan
" I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product! "
Ron White
Spaghetti
Chili
You
" Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! "
Ron White
Shut
Diamonds
Her
" I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage. "
Ron White
Much
Stage
Give
" I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. "
Ron White
Going
Got
Because
" People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. "
Ron White
Drink
People
Saying
" My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers. "
Ron White
Hot
Red
Brothers
" If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff. "
Ron White
Trying
Night
Doing
" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "
Ron White
Know
Laugh
Hands
" You can't fix stupid. "
Ron White
You
Stupid
Fix
" When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows. "
Ron White
Much
Water
Trouble
" I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship. "
Ron White
Communication
Relationship
Positive
" The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. "
Ron White
Brain
School
You
" I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. "
Ron White
Party
You
Find
" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "
Ron White
Go
Funny
You
" A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man. "
Ron White
Heaven
Restaurant
Man
" I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part. "
Ron White
Small
Rather
Than
" There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever. "
Ron White
Forever
Go
Stupid
" Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels. "
Ron White
Mexican
Dislike
Building
" Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. "
Ron White
Death
Death Penalty
Lane
" Comedy is all about the pause. "
Ron White
About
Comedy
Pause
" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "
Ron White
Watch
Tell
Story
" There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between. "
Ron White
Walk
People
Build