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" There's nothing wrong with procrastination. Or is there? I'll leave it to you to decide, but only if you have the time. "
Craig Brown
Procrastination
You
Nothing
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" Many people see the chance to eat something for nothing, without the need to cook or wash up, as the great consolation of going out to dinner. But they forget quite how difficult it is to talk to a stranger and eat at the same time. "
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" People think of waves as going in an orderly crash - whoosh - crash - whoosh, but in fact there are lots of different crashes and whooshes, all at different stages, and all going off at the same time. "
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" I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too. "
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" The British love of queuing and discomfort and being bossed around seems to have found a new outlet in the pop festival. "
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" Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws. "
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" One of the tricks of life is to have sense and money in roughly equal proportions. "
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" The first thing I hear when I wake up is the sea, which is so close to our house that its reflections from the sun dapple our bedroom ceiling. "
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" In real life, nothing would be more tedious than trailing around after two strangers as they went house-hunting in Hertfordshire. But for some reason, television is more compelling than real life. "
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" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "
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" It strikes me that golf's great virtue is that it gets you out of the house, away from everyday bothers, away from the endless round of looking for this, that and the other. "
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" Words have a life of their own. There is no telling what they will do. Within a matter of days, they can even turn turtle and mean the opposite. "
Craig Brown
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" Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of those odd moth-like creatures who seem to combine extreme discomfort with the spotlight with an unstoppable compulsion to leap into it. "
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" Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process. "
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" When I tell people I don't own a mobile phone and wouldn't know how to text, they react as though I have just confessed that I can't read. "
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" Looking back, some of the happiest moments of my childhood were spent with my arm in packets of breakfast cereal, rootling around for a free gift. "
Craig Brown
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Childhood
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" As life goes on, we accrue more and more loseable objects. Providence dictates that objects that are too large to lose, such as houses, always come with tiny little keys, specially designed to give you the slip. "
Craig Brown
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" Poets, for example, are generally considered starry-eyed and sensitive, but only by those who have never encountered one. "
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" My father, a captain in the 5th Battalion of the Queen's Own Cameron Highlanders, landed in Normandy the day after D-Day. "
Craig Brown
Captain
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" Somewhere in the back of their minds, hosts and guests alike know that the dinner party is a source of untold irritation, and that even the dullest evening spent watching television is preferable. "
Craig Brown
Know
Television
Party
" Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger. "
Craig Brown
Men
Ask
Know
" Some of the most untidy writers have also been the most productive. Iris Murdoch, for instance, wrote a good 30 books in a house strewn with rubbish. "
Craig Brown
House
Books
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" Over the years, the idea seems to have grown up that brightly coloured flowers are vulgar, and that the only flowers to be admitted to the walled garden of good taste are discreet and pastel-hued. "
Craig Brown
Only
Over
Taste
" It is only if you happen to be a newscaster that the tongue-twister spells peril. "
Craig Brown
Spells
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Peril
" Like many men who play tennis, when I hit a ball into the net, I tend to look daggers at my racket, reproaching it for playing so badly when I myself have been trying so hard. "
Craig Brown
Tennis
Trying
Look
" The only behaviour that is truly common is to avoid doing something because you think others might consider it common. "
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" When I was young, I used to expect Parisians to wear little black berets, to bicycle about with strings of onions around their necks, and to brandish long sticks of bread, just like they used to do in school textbooks. "
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" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "
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" Like the firm handshake and looking people straight in the eye, the blazer had originally been a symbol of trust. Because of this, it had been purloined by the less-than-trustworthy and became their preferred disguise. "
Craig Brown
Eye
Like
People
" In its heyday, the blazer had come to symbolise a kind of conventional decency. Yacht club commodores and school bursars wore blazers. People who played bowls wore blazers. "
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" As a rough rule of thumb, I would say the smaller the pond, the more belligerent the fish. "
Craig Brown
Thumb
Pond
Fish