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" I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America. "

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" The more you work in this business as a comedian, the closer you get to just being yourself onstage, on camera, the more well received you are. "

Nikki Glaser

Camera

Business

Yourself

" Jimmy Fallon's strengths are that he's fun, and he's good at impressions, and he's musically inclined. And my strength is that I'm a joke writer, but I also have no filter, and I think that that's not a talent per se, but it's just a thing about myself that I have found that people like about what I do. "

" The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus. "

Nikki Glaser

First

Place

" My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don't have to do that, and I've since learned to let go of that. "

" Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. "

" Nothing really shocks me anymore. "

" I remember the 'Jenny McCarthy Show' being kind of funny, and I remember her being just like one of the boys. I remember her being counter to everything I thought girls should be on TV, or whatever. I kind of liked her vibe. "

" Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again. "

" I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny. "

" I'm learning that if you put yourself out there and make fun of yourself first, it really does work. People can't really make fun of you. "

" Being pretty was always a very big thing growing up. "

" I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I'm just not cut out for it. "

" Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, 'Oh, they laughed, so they get what I'm saying. "

" I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment. "

" I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.' "

" Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way. "

" People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of. "

" I am a woman, so I never want to hide that or be like, 'I'm one of the boys,' because I'm not. I am aware of our audience. We always aim for the right combo of not hitting people over head but still getting our message across. "

" College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator. "

" I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid. "

" I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family - I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does. "

" I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I didn't realize how amazing it would be to have it. "

" That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.' "

" I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations. "

Nikki Glaser

Situations

Uncomfortable

" All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think. "

" I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, 'OK, I'll do this forever'. "

Nikki Glaser

People

First

" Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want. "

" The transgender bathroom thing - it's just so obvious that people are scared of what they don't understand. It's like, 'I don't want to deal with the fact that some people might have been born in the wrong body.' "

" I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk. "

" I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning. "