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" Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again. "

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" I think people are afraid of the concept of open relationships. Like, 'I will not accept this.' They don't have to! No one is telling them to. But it might work for other people. "

" I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back. "

" I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny. "

" My standup is years and years of me working things out on the road. I'm really proud of it! A lot of it is about, well... I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like every special or show I do is some variation on how I feel like I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. "

" Being pretty was always a very big thing growing up. "

" Everything I write in my show is a collaboration with a team. "

" I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning. "

" When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network. "

" A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do. "

" My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don't have to do that, and I've since learned to let go of that. "

" I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid. "

" My boyfriend and I are not good at fighting. We're better than we were when we started dating - two breakups and three years ago - but it's never come naturally to either of us. I have often wished we fought like I imagine Pink and Carey Hart fight. "

" Jimmy Fallon's strengths are that he's fun, and he's good at impressions, and he's musically inclined. And my strength is that I'm a joke writer, but I also have no filter, and I think that that's not a talent per se, but it's just a thing about myself that I have found that people like about what I do. "

" I just want to open people's eyes to different things. "

" Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, 'Oh, they laughed, so they get what I'm saying. "

" All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think. "

" College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator. "

" I'm learning that if you put yourself out there and make fun of yourself first, it really does work. People can't really make fun of you. "

" It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I've never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them. "

" I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.' "

" Funny is funny. If it's funny enough to women, it will be funny to men. I think that's been proven by Broad City and Amy Schumer. They're killing it. "

" I have to say that it's fun to write for young girls, and it's exciting to know that we're influencing them and they're looking at us like, 'I want to grow up and be like them.' I mean, I just made up the person saying that. "

" I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot! "

" I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America. "

" I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval. "

" As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it. "

" I remember thinking years ago about getting a half special, 'When you get that, that will be it. That will be all you need to feel validated in this world.' I feel like that special was just another set. "

" Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. "

" I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family - I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does. "

" I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I'm so glad I'm not having kids. "