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" I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. "

Robert Benchley

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" Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted. "

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" At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands. "

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" A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. "

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" There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. "

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" Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. "

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" In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. "

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" Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. "

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" Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off. "

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" The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. "

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" We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. "

Robert Benchley

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that. "

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" A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. "

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" Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. "

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" An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. "

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" In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. "

Robert Benchley

" Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. "

Robert Benchley

" It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. "

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" Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. "

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" A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. "

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" The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. "

Robert Benchley

" Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. "

Robert Benchley

" You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it. "

Robert Benchley

" A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. "

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" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "

Robert Benchley

" We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. "

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