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" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "
" Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. "
" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "
Charles Dudley Warner
" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
" Japanese people have a funny habit of abbreviating names. "
" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "
" I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. "
R. L. Stine
" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "
" If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "
" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "
" If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. "
" Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. "
" My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. "
" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "
" I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. "
" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
" The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. "
" I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. "
" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "
" It's funny because I want my teeth to be, like, neon 'Real Housewives' white, but mine have stopped taking to teeth whitening. When I talk to my dentist, I'm like, 'They can be that white,' and he's like, 'Veneers can be that white.' "
" Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble. "
" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "
" We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. "
" It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. "
" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
" I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows. "
" We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. "
" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "