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" We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. "
Robert Benchley
Man
Nation
Uniform
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" It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. "
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" You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it. "
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" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "
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Drawing
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" Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. "
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Drinking
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" Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. "
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Tell
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Fear
" The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. "
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Monkey
Man
Make
" I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. "
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Than
Been
Behind
" There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. "
Robert Benchley
Seems
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Go
" A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. "
Robert Benchley
Lying
Perseverance
Pet
" We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. "
Robert Benchley
Before
Born
Did
" A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. "
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Done
Great
Work
" In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. "
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Children
Curiosity
Small
" Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted. "
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Soul
Spring
Present
" I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. "
Robert Benchley
Death
Hurry
Know
" Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. "
Robert Benchley
Fact
I Am
Fall
" An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. "
Robert Benchley
Game
Team
Hometown
" Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off. "
Robert Benchley
Think
White
Summer
" A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. "
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Lying
Learn
Dog
" For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. "
Robert Benchley
Time
Reputation
Evil
" A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. "
Robert Benchley
Try
Real
Nothing
" The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. "
Robert Benchley
Ribbon
Writing
Obstacle
" Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it. "
Robert Benchley
Left
Up
Skin
" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "
Robert Benchley
Know
Great
Nothing
" I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine. "
Robert Benchley
Work
Sitting
Shine
" At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands. "
Robert Benchley
Money
Beginning
Power
" Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. "
Robert Benchley
Any
Doing
Supposed
" The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. "
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Writer
Word
Who
" Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. "
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Guy
Opera
He
" Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. "
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Street
Band
Older
" In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. "
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Children
Class
Travel