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" Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it. "
Robert Benchley
Left
Up
Skin
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" I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine. "
Robert Benchley
Work
Sitting
Shine
" An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. "
Robert Benchley
Game
Team
Hometown
" We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. "
Robert Benchley
Man
Nation
Uniform
" In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. "
Robert Benchley
Children
Curiosity
Small
" A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. "
Robert Benchley
Try
Real
Nothing
" Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. "
Robert Benchley
Fact
I Am
Fall
" Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. "
Robert Benchley
Drinking
Fools
People
" I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. "
Robert Benchley
Than
Been
Behind
" The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. "
Robert Benchley
Writer
Word
Who
" Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted. "
Robert Benchley
Soul
Spring
Present
" At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands. "
Robert Benchley
Money
Beginning
Power
" In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. "
Robert Benchley
Children
Class
Travel
" It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. "
Robert Benchley
Talent
Time
Writing
" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "
Robert Benchley
Wet
Funny
Martini
" For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. "
Robert Benchley
Time
Reputation
Evil
" Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. "
Robert Benchley
Guy
Opera
He
" Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. "
Robert Benchley
Tell
Afraid
Fear
" There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. "
Robert Benchley
Seems
Humor
Go
" We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. "
Robert Benchley
Before
Born
Did
" Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. "
Robert Benchley
Child
Small
Way
" You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it. "
Robert Benchley
Think
Sense
Family
" If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from. "
Robert Benchley
Universe
Like
Him
" After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year. "
Robert Benchley
Difficult
New
Time
" There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that. "
Robert Benchley
Reading
First
Difficult
" I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. "
Robert Benchley
Death
Hurry
Know
" A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. "
Robert Benchley
Lying
Learn
Dog
" A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. "
Robert Benchley
Done
Great
Work
" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "
Robert Benchley
Know
Great
Nothing
" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "
Robert Benchley
Drawing
Funny
Nothing
" Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. "
Robert Benchley
Any
Doing
Supposed