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" I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering. "

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" I fed my ego, but not my soul. "

" To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper. "

" In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. "

" It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart. "

" We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel. "

" Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter. "

" Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds. "

" Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. "

" I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world. "

" Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling. "

" I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own. "

" Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile. "

" We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts. "

" When you like something, you find time to do it. "

" I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter. "

" I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good. "

" Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds. "

" After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore. "

" The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. "

" I came to America to make it my home, and I did. "

" The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. "

" People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice. "

" Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. "

" If love is the treasure, laughter is the key. "

" I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter. "

" If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it. "

" I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else. "

" As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers. "

" There's depth in my comedy. "

" We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales. "