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" I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world. "

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" We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales. "

" In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. "

" The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. "

" Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds. "

" I came to America to make it my home, and I did. "

" We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel. "

" I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good. "

" I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter. "

" I fed my ego, but not my soul. "

" After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore. "

" People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice. "

" Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. "

" Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds. "

" Never having alone time is real tough on people. "

" If love is the treasure, laughter is the key. "

" Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. "

" I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering. "

" Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling. "

" When you like something, you find time to do it. "

" Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile. "

" As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers. "

" To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper. "

" Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter. "

" It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart. "

" If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it. "

" The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. "

" There's depth in my comedy. "

" Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. "

" My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love. "

" In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing. "