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" The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. "

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" After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore. "

" I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world. "

" Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. "

" Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. "

" Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds. "

" Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. "

" Never having alone time is real tough on people. "

" To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper. "

" I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering. "

" I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good. "

" If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it. "

" There's depth in my comedy. "

" When you like something, you find time to do it. "

" I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else. "

" The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. "

" Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds. "

" If love is the treasure, laughter is the key. "

" Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter. "

" In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing. "

" As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers. "

" People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice. "

" We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales. "

" I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter. "

" I fed my ego, but not my soul. "

" It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart. "

" I came to America to make it my home, and I did. "

" Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile. "

" I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own. "

" Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling. "

" I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter. "