Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

Related Quotes:

" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Lost

Skinny

Feelings

" Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. "

" You have to really be on your own side. "

" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

" When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. "

" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "

" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Dog

Trust

" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Funny

Andy

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

" Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Work

Said

" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

Two

Remember

" I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. "

" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "

" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "