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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

Lisa Lampanelli