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" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "
" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "
" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "
" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "
" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "
" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "
" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "
" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "
" You have to really be on your own side. "
" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "
" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "
" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "
" I just really work hard on myself every day. "
" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "
" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "
" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "
" Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. "
" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "
" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "
" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "
" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "
" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "
" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "
" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "
" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "
" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "
" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "
" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "
" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "
" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "
" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "