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All Quotes by author - Lisa Lampanelli

" Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. "

" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "

" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

" Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump. "

" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

" Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. "

" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

" I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. "

" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

" If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. "

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

" I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. "

" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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