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" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

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" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

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" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

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" What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. "

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" Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. "

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" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

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" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

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" Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. "

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" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

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" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

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" By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? "

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" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

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" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

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