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" I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak. "

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" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Conversation

Together

Friends

" When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. "

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

" Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. "

" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

" I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. "

" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

" I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes. "

" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

" A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to. "

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Better Person

Loving

" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

" I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know. "

" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

Two

Remember

" I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. "

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Trouble

Left

" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

Lisa Lampanelli

Conservative

Dress

" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

" I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger. "

" Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. "

" I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. "

" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "