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" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I just really work hard on myself every day. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

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" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

Lisa Lampanelli