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" What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it. "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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" I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. "

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" Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. "

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" I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived. "

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" I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. "

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" I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. "

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" I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. "

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" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

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" William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. "

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" You have to really be on your own side. "

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" Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. "

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" I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. "

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" I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there. "

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" I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause. "

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" If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. "

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" I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey. "

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" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

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" Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show. "

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" Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine. "

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" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. "

Lisa Lampanelli

" This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. "

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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

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" It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. "

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" Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. "

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" People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. "

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" I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. "

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" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

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" I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.' "

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