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" I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen. "

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" The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator. "

" There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled. "

" When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery. "

" I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free. "

" I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people. "

" I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in! "

" A Southern accent is not a club in my bag. "

" Politicians don't really bring up religion in England. "

" People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character. "

" I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war. "

" There is so much cross-pollination between the U.S. and Britain in terms of comedians. British TV comedies work well in the U.S. American stand-ups make it big in Britain. "

" Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury. "

" Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had. "

" I feel non-stop Brit shame! "

" Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper. "

" It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge. "

" The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen. "

" I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead. "

" I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is. "

" You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting. "

" I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go. "

" It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them. "

" I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything. "

" I can't relax. I find vacations problematic. "

" Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect. "

" Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually. "

" Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can. "

" There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that. "

" I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse. "

" When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing. "