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" I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back. "

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" My boyfriend and I are not good at fighting. We're better than we were when we started dating - two breakups and three years ago - but it's never come naturally to either of us. I have often wished we fought like I imagine Pink and Carey Hart fight. "

" I started out splitting my time between the Kansas City and St. Louis comedy scenes, which both had bluer sensibilities than other cities that I've worked. "

" I just want to open people's eyes to different things. "

" Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them - but most likely, things get canceled. "

" I was lucky enough to find stand-up really early in life. And I'm so grateful that I did, because the second I found it, I was like, 'I know what I want to do'. "

" Jimmy Fallon's strengths are that he's fun, and he's good at impressions, and he's musically inclined. And my strength is that I'm a joke writer, but I also have no filter, and I think that that's not a talent per se, but it's just a thing about myself that I have found that people like about what I do. "

" I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot! "

" I remember the 'Jenny McCarthy Show' being kind of funny, and I remember her being just like one of the boys. I remember her being counter to everything I thought girls should be on TV, or whatever. I kind of liked her vibe. "

" Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way. "

" My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever. "

" All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think. "

" Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again. "

" A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look... That's not why we're even in this business; that's not what people want from us. We're valuable because we're funny and because we have a voice and a point of view. "

" We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It's not like a sugar daddy thing. It's like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money. "

" The best stuff - the most interesting stuff - usually happens when I allow myself to be in the moment and working from that space. "

" As far as how I approach the humor, I think the best comedy is going to happen when I'm myself and act organically to a news item or situation. "

" Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.' "

" I was going to go to a Gathering of the Juggalos but decided that wouldn't work. They would know I was there to make fun of them. It would be like me going to a Trump rally. "

" I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid. "

" I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'. "

" My standup is years and years of me working things out on the road. I'm really proud of it! A lot of it is about, well... I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like every special or show I do is some variation on how I feel like I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. "

" The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus. "

" I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning. "

" The more you work in this business as a comedian, the closer you get to just being yourself onstage, on camera, the more well received you are. "

" When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network. "

" Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want. "

" Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, 'Oh, they laughed, so they get what I'm saying. "

" I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, 'OK, I'll do this forever'. "

" As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it. "

" There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet. "