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" There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet. "

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" I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval. "

" A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look... That's not why we're even in this business; that's not what people want from us. We're valuable because we're funny and because we have a voice and a point of view. "

" College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator. "

" Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want. "

" My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever. "

" If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump. "

" I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'. "

" I remember the 'Jenny McCarthy Show' being kind of funny, and I remember her being just like one of the boys. I remember her being counter to everything I thought girls should be on TV, or whatever. I kind of liked her vibe. "

" Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. "

" I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family - I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does. "

" The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus. "

" I love what I do, but living in one place for an entire year and not being on the road constantly was glorious. The road lifestyle is not ideal for a woman who's about to be thirty. "

" It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I've never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them. "

" People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of. "

" Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates, and he loves chocolates. Boxes of 20 chocolates. "

" Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them - but most likely, things get canceled. "

" A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do. "

" I have to say that it's fun to write for young girls, and it's exciting to know that we're influencing them and they're looking at us like, 'I want to grow up and be like them.' I mean, I just made up the person saying that. "

" I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk. "

" As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it. "

" I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I'm so glad I'm not having kids. "

" I've been doing stand-up for a few years, and I have a handful of fans just from stuff I've done, like 'Last Comic Standing.' And as a fan of stand-ups myself ... like, when I first discovered Sarah Silverman, I wanted to know everything about her life. "

" That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.' "

" When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network. "

" Jimmy Fallon's strengths are that he's fun, and he's good at impressions, and he's musically inclined. And my strength is that I'm a joke writer, but I also have no filter, and I think that that's not a talent per se, but it's just a thing about myself that I have found that people like about what I do. "

" I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations. "

" I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America. "

" All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked. "

" I am a woman, so I never want to hide that or be like, 'I'm one of the boys,' because I'm not. I am aware of our audience. We always aim for the right combo of not hitting people over head but still getting our message across. "

" I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment. "