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" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "

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" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "

" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "

" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "

" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "

" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "

" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "

" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "

" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "

" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "

" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "

" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "

" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "

" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "

" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "

" My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' "

" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "