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All Quotes by author - Les Dawson
" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "
You
Personal
How
" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "
I Can
Always
Tell
" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "
Me
Wife
Work
" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "
Say
Worst
Mind
" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "
Looking
Birth
She
" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "
Mother-In-Law
She
Saying
" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "
Me
Face
Red
" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "
Roof
Space
Thought
" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "
Love
Without
Affection
" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "
Help
Going
Men
" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "
Her
Mother-In-Law
Moving
" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "
Funny
Own
Trouble
" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "
Lion
Lost
Teacher
" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "
Where
Up
Marriage
" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "
Happiness
Angel
Mind
" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "
Mother-In-Law
Down
Knew
" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "
Christmas
Mother-In-Law
House
" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "
Blind
Wrinkles
Smiles
" My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' "
You
Dance
Day
" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "
Hand
She
Mother-In-Law
" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "
Sex
Objects
Ask
" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "
Home
Week
Stand
" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "
Oil
She
Work
" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "
Centre
Mother-In-Law
Family
" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "
Way
Old
Good Old Days
" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "
Run
Next
Wife
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