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" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

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" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "

" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "

" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "

" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "

" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "

" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "

" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "

" My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' "

" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "

" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "

" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "

" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "

" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "

" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "

" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "

" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "