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" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

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" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" Macho does not prove mucho. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" Let's have some new cliches. "

" I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. "

" I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I'm not funny. I'm not good. I'm - I don't feel original. "

" Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book. "

" All I've wanted to be is someone people look up to. It's funny - everyone says I'm controversial. I've never worked out what it is about me that's controversial. I've never had a DUI; I've never been in a brawl; you've never seen photos of me walking out of clubs at 5 A.M. "

" Comedy is only funny when there's real pain. "

" The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. "

" There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me. "

" When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

Albert Einstein

" All men are equal before fish. "

" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "

" She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. "

J. B. Priestley

" Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. "

" I try to be funny and not ignorant. "

" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

Sabrina Carpenter

" I have never been hurt by what I have not said. "

Calvin Coolidge

" We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. "

" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. "

" 'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough. "