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" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "
Les Dawson
Oil
She
Work
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" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "
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" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "
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" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "
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" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "
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" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "
Les Dawson
Hand
She
Mother-In-Law
" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "
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Mother-In-Law
She
Saying
" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "
Les Dawson
Lion
Lost
Teacher
" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "
Les Dawson
Help
Going
Men
" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "
Les Dawson
Home
Week
Stand
" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "
Les Dawson
Me
Face
Red
" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "
Les Dawson
Blind
Wrinkles
Smiles
" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "
Les Dawson
Her
Mother-In-Law
Moving
" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "
Les Dawson
Looking
Birth
She
" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "
Les Dawson
Sex
Objects
Ask
" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "
Les Dawson
Mother-In-Law
Down
Knew
" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "
Les Dawson
I Can
Always
Tell
" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "
Les Dawson
Run
Next
Wife
" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "
Les Dawson
Love
Without
Affection
" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "
Les Dawson
Way
Old
Good Old Days
" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "
Les Dawson
Centre
Mother-In-Law
Family
" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "
Les Dawson
Me
Wife
Work
" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "
Les Dawson
Christmas
Mother-In-Law
House
" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "
Les Dawson
Roof
Space
Thought
" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "
Les Dawson
Where
Up
Marriage