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" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "

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" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "

" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "

" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "

" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "

" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "

" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "

" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "

" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "

" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "

" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "

" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "

" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "

" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "

" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "

" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "