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" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

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" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "

" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "

" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "

" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "

" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "

" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "

" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "

" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "

" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "

" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "

" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "

" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "

" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "

" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "

" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "

" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "

" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' "

" In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. "