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" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

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" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. "

" The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' "

" I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. "

" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "

" My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. "

" The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. "

" I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. "

" My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. "

" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "

" The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. "

" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

" The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. "

" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "

" I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. "

" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "

" My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. "

" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "

" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "