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" Quite frankly I don't know how to be happy. I have not a clue. "

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" You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny. "

" I'm funny when I want to be. And I'm even funny when I don't want to be. "

" I never thought about living in New York. I just thought it was great. "

" My biggest dream was to get out of Michigan - to discover life beyond the Sacred Heart Convent. "

" I love reviews. Anybody who tells you they don't read reviews is a liar. "

" There's something about it that makes sense, Lent. You give something up, and everything's more joyful. "

" There were a lot of lyrics that I sang but didn't understand. But I had this facade in performance of looking like I wrote the book. "

" Isn't this fantastic, what a star I am? "

" I love holidays in New York. I love 'em. I want to celebrate something all the time, and New York has holidays for every day of the week, practically. I like holidays in New York City. "

" I always say, 'If you can't give a reason for the banana peel being in the alley, then don't have the comic slide over it.' Do you understand what I mean? First explain how the banana peel got there quickly. And then there's a reason for all the comedy. "

" When I'm playing comedy, it is such a crap shoot of what will work and what won't. "

" If I see someone saying the rosary in the wings, I know they've got talent. "

" I compare Stephen Sondheim with humor, because humor is unanalyzable. You can't analyze humor. You just have to get through it. "

" The closer a part is to you, the harder it is to play. Anything else is just imitation. If I'm playing a Russian countess, I get the hat, the accent, the outrageousness. Easy. Playing a murderess? Perfect. "

" I smoked, I drank, I did all the kicking my heels up type things, but I went to Mass on Sunday. "

" Betty White is probably a very nice woman. "

" Audiences are not strangers to me. They're the best friends I've got in my life. "

" I could have made a lot of money doing 'Golden Girls,' and I would have been good. But the image of it! And for me to work with Betty White every day would be like taking cyanide. "

" Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. "

" Talent is very dangerous. It alienates people. "

" My idea of serenity - that wonderful word that everybody's trying to get into their life - is call-waiting. "

" The people in New York - their humor is on a level that goes, uh, very deep, you know? "

" Honestly, this is a big thing to say, but I don't think I've ever been bored. If I even get an inkling of it, I split. "

" I think the most interesting New Yorkers are the people who were not born here. "

" You cannot tell an audience a lie. They know it before you do; before it's out of your mouth, they know it's a lie. "

" Making clever speeches takes a lot of work and a lot of time. "

" These performers that go on about their technique and craft - oh, puleeze! How boring! I don't know what 'technique' means. But I do know what experience is. "

" You have to be very, very good looking to get ahead in motion pictures. "

" I tell the truth, and it has gotten me into a lot of trouble. My dad used to say to me, 'If you tell the truth all day long, you will end up in jail.' "

" What I want to understand is what I am talking about on the stage. What I don't want to understand is what the government is talking about when the government tells me about taxes. "