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" Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Conspiracy
Government
Law
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" You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. "
P. J. O'Rourke
You
People
Money
" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "
P. J. O'Rourke
People
Stay
Living
" I myself am a parent in a small business. Number of employees: one. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Business
Small
Employees
" There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Race
Religion
Two
" No doubt the ridiculous politicians are right to like politics. They have found careers in which success can be achieved by being ridiculous. Imagine Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush rising to the top of any other profession. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Politicians
Politics
Success
" War diminishes both civil and economic rights. "
P. J. O'Rourke
War
Civil
Both
" Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present. "
P. J. O'Rourke
You
Flattery
Gossip
" I don't watch much television. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Television
Much
Watch
" I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Short
Black
Gay
" A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Farm
Chickens
Size
" I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Engagements
Speaking
Lot
" Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. "
P. J. O'Rourke
God
Done
Way
" Affirmative action makes employers think, 'Black woman nuclear physicist? Hah! Probably let her into Harvard 'cause they were looking for a twofer. Bet she got C's in high school practical math. Give her a job in personnel.' "
P. J. O'Rourke
Think
Woman
She
" To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Work
Job
Look
" Harvard is the home of American ideas. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Ideas
Home
American
" One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. "
P. J. O'Rourke
History
World
True
" Some people have facts; these can be proven. Some people have theories; these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Minds
Facts
Up
" What is obnoxious about the motives of politicians - whatever those motives may be - is that politicians must announce their motives as visionary and grand. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Politicians
May
Visionary
" Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn't exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Head
Own
Well
" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Democrats
Most
Hate
" Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is under the impression that the direction hills go is down. Sledding is done down from street level into creek beds and road cuts. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Road
Street
Go
" Philosophy was once considered science. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Science
Considered
Philosophy
" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Christmas
Save
Funny
" The 1960s was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a T-shirt. "
P. J. O'Rourke
T-Shirt
Big
Thoughts
" Like it or not, I've come to appreciate soccer. Any kid can play, which fits with the inclusive agenda of progressive schools. Although the corollary to 'any kid can play' is that every kid must play because there is an iron grip to the warm hug of progressive inclusionism. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Soccer
Hug
Kid
" Jack Abramoff is the world's best lobbyist - for the Federal Penitentiary System. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Jack
Best
Federal
" I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Am
I Am
Stupidity
" More modern poetry is written than read. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Than
Read
Modern
" I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Religion
Experience
Good
" The poor are an especially important resource for innovation when they have the bravery and pluck to get out of the poor places in which they're living. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Innovation
Bravery
Important