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" Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Conspiracy

Government

Law

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" You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" I myself am a parent in a small business. Number of employees: one. "

" There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion. "

" No doubt the ridiculous politicians are right to like politics. They have found careers in which success can be achieved by being ridiculous. Imagine Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush rising to the top of any other profession. "

" War diminishes both civil and economic rights. "

" Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present. "

" I don't watch much television. "

" I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301. "

" A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. "

" I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements. "

" Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. "

" Affirmative action makes employers think, 'Black woman nuclear physicist? Hah! Probably let her into Harvard 'cause they were looking for a twofer. Bet she got C's in high school practical math. Give her a job in personnel.' "

" To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal. "

" Harvard is the home of American ideas. "

" One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. "

" Some people have facts; these can be proven. Some people have theories; these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Minds

Facts

" What is obnoxious about the motives of politicians - whatever those motives may be - is that politicians must announce their motives as visionary and grand. "

" Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn't exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments. "

" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "

" Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is under the impression that the direction hills go is down. Sledding is done down from street level into creek beds and road cuts. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Road

Street

" Philosophy was once considered science. "

" Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. "

" The 1960s was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a T-shirt. "

" Like it or not, I've come to appreciate soccer. Any kid can play, which fits with the inclusive agenda of progressive schools. Although the corollary to 'any kid can play' is that every kid must play because there is an iron grip to the warm hug of progressive inclusionism. "

" Jack Abramoff is the world's best lobbyist - for the Federal Penitentiary System. "

" I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter. "

P. J. O'Rourke

I Am

Stupidity

" More modern poetry is written than read. "

" I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning. "

" The poor are an especially important resource for innovation when they have the bravery and pluck to get out of the poor places in which they're living. "