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" I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval. "

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" We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It's not like a sugar daddy thing. It's like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money. "

Nikki Glaser

Money

Financial

Want

" I'm not a bleeding-heart feminist, but I do like to call out that stuff in my act. It's nice when you find a perspective that no one has hit on. "

Nikki Glaser

You

Perspective

" I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I'm just not cut out for it. "

" My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever. "

" That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.' "

" I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, 'OK, I'll do this forever'. "

Nikki Glaser

People

First

" I've been doing stand-up for a few years, and I have a handful of fans just from stuff I've done, like 'Last Comic Standing.' And as a fan of stand-ups myself ... like, when I first discovered Sarah Silverman, I wanted to know everything about her life. "

" I think people are afraid of the concept of open relationships. Like, 'I will not accept this.' They don't have to! No one is telling them to. But it might work for other people. "

" I started out splitting my time between the Kansas City and St. Louis comedy scenes, which both had bluer sensibilities than other cities that I've worked. "

" I'm learning that if you put yourself out there and make fun of yourself first, it really does work. People can't really make fun of you. "

" Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates, and he loves chocolates. Boxes of 20 chocolates. "

Nikki Glaser

Couples

" I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back. "

" As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it. "

Nikki Glaser

Talk

Well

" I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'. "

Nikki Glaser

Comedy

Just

" Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. "

" I remember thinking years ago about getting a half special, 'When you get that, that will be it. That will be all you need to feel validated in this world.' I feel like that special was just another set. "

" I was lucky enough to find stand-up really early in life. And I'm so grateful that I did, because the second I found it, I was like, 'I know what I want to do'. "

" I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk. "

" I've talked about my relationship without consulting my boyfriend about whether or not he wants that talked about, and I've also taken a story that has happened with us and, for comedic purposes, exaggerated it or changed it in some way that made him look not great. "

" All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked. "

" There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet. "

" I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I didn't realize how amazing it would be to have it. "

" I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.' "

" I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning. "

" I'm in a relationship and have never been on Tinder as a single woman, but from what I have seen, I think it is always good to have a picture with an animal to show that you are kind. "

" I just want to open people's eyes to different things. "

" Everything I write in my show is a collaboration with a team. "

" If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump. "

" Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, 'Oh, they laughed, so they get what I'm saying. "

" Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.' "

Nikki Glaser

Said

Sexism