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" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

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" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

" There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. "

" A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. "

" A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. "

" Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. "

" When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. "

" It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. "

" It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. "

" Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. "

" The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' "

" Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. "

" All right, then, I'll go to hell. "

" My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. "

" In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "

" Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. "

" All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. "

" It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. "

" It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. "

" If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. "

" A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. "

" Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. "

" Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. "

College Education

" Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. "

" Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. "

" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

" We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. "