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" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

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" Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. "

" We have the best government that money can buy. "

" Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. "

" What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. "

" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

" Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. "

" Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. "

College Education

" As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. "

" Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. "

" Golf is a good walk spoiled. "

" Necessity is the mother of taking chances. "

" There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. "

" All right, then, I'll go to hell. "

" Better a broken promise than none at all. "

" The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. "

" Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. "

" Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. "

" God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. "

" The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. "

" The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. "

" Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. "

" The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. "

" I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time. "

" To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. "

" In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. "

" Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. "

" The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. "

" The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. "