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" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

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" I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. "

" What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. "

" The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. "

" It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. "

" Buy land, they're not making it anymore. "

" How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. "

" There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. "

" Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. "

" Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. "

" Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. "

" Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. "

" To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. "

" Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. "

" When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. "

" Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. "

" It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. "

" It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. "

" No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "

" Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. "

" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

" Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. "

" When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "

" There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. "

" The lack of money is the root of all evil. "

" I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. "

" Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. "

" The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. "

" Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. "