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" A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. "

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" Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. "

" She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. "

" Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. "

" Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. "

" There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. "

" Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. "

" I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. "

" Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. "

" If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. "

" It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. "

" When in doubt tell the truth. "

" But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? "

" The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. "

" The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. "

" Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. "

" It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. "

" To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. "

" Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. "

" Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. "

" I never let schooling interfere with my education. "

" Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. "

" Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it. "

" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

" Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. "

" Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "