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" To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes. "

Roseanne Barr

Write

Discipline

Great

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" Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact. "

" Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve. "

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" TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel. "

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" I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. "

" Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too. "

" I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. "

" You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing. "

Roseanne Barr

Know

Rich

" There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect. "

Roseanne Barr

Hell

Most

" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "

" There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. "

" Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us? "

" Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it. "

" The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous! "

" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "

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" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying. "

" I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver. "

Roseanne Barr

Woman

I Am

" A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. "

" You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.' "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

Roseanne Barr

You

Shut Up

" The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. "

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Fact

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "

" I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas. "

Roseanne Barr

Get

Vegas