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" I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas. "

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" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "

" I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. "

" And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. "

" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "

" I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology. "

" I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost. "

" You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing. "

" The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. "

" Comedy is the only hope for humanity. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of show business. "

" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "

" Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. "

" After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom. "

" The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. "

" Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room. "

" I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't. "

" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "

" I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions. "

" There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. "

" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "

" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "

" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "

" The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. "

" Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us? "

" Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian. "

" Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life. "

" To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes. "

" Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor. "