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" I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. "

Robert Benchley

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" After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year. "

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" We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. "

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" In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. "

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" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "

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" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "

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" I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. "

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" Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. "

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" Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. "

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" A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. "

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" Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. "

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" The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. "

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" Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. "

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" We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. "

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" There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. "

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" The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. "

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" A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. "

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" You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it. "

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" If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from. "

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" Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off. "

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" It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. "

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" Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. "

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