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" We're not meant to be parents when we're 50. "

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" And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. "

" Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought. "

" You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" Comedy is the only hope for humanity. "

" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

" I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously. "

" I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things. "

" I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff. "

" I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions. "

" To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes. "

" A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. "

" Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve. "

" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "

" Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce. "

" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "

" Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. "

" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "

" The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous! "

" Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room. "

" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "

" I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more. "

" Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian. "

" I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers. "

" I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote. "

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "