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" When I go to bed at night, I wear a sleeping bag. And for a long time, I wore mittens so that I couldn't open the sleeping bag. "

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" I'm incapable of feeling any joy. "

" Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences. "

" How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer. "

" I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset. "

" I actually wasn't really the class clown growing up. The class clown was always the mean guy who walked up and was like, 'You're fat. You're gay. I'm outta here!' I was always more kind of awkward and introspective. "

" I am diagnosed with what's called 'REM behavior disorder.' As far as the disorder goes, there's no cure, but it's going pretty well as far as these things go. I see a sleep doctor, take medication, etc. "

" I love Broadway shows. "

" Once you've made your first feature, you know what you can do wrong and how hard it is to shoot a feature. Before you do it, you just don't know how hard it is. Once you've done it, when you're writing a second one, it's almost like you're preparing, and it's almost holding you back. "

" Film is so immersive. "

" Once you know how to make a movie, you can't not make a movie. "

" I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness. "

" If you're asked something on a movie set and you say 'I don't know,' you lose confidence in every department. What you need to say is 'I'll have that for you in five minutes.' "

" In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs. "

" I'd much rather try and fail than talk about trying. "

" I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical. "

Autobiographical

" Nothing that you want ever is what you think it is. "

" Every sleep doctor I've talked to said it was an urban legend that you shouldn't wake up a sleepwalker. All that will happen is that you will get condescended to. "

" I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!' "

" Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. "

" If I dream that I'm directing, it's not a film, it's like a commercial for cotton candy, and I've got four feet of cotton candy all around me that I've got to break through, like a brick wall or a fortress. "

" Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. "

" I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of cynical about romance and marriage but ultimately embraced it. Because I feel like comedy is always cynical, inherently, because it's contrarian. "

" Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films. "

" Comedy unites, it doesn't divide! "

" People come to my shows on purpose as opposed to coming to a 'comedy show.' Which was always my goal. "

" Sometimes, occasionally, people will make out in the audience, completely not aware that there's a human being onstage just yards away from them, who can see them. Sometimes people think that you're on television while you're onstage, so you're not even a person. "

" I got out of school in 2000, and I always wanted to be on 'This American Life,' since I first started telling stories. And that, I mean, that show is a little bit of a fortress. It's really hard to get stuff on that show. "

" I feel like being a door person was like college in a sense. I could watch comedy on a professional level seven nights a week without paying, and they would pay me a nominal amount of money to be there. "

" I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy. "

" After I perform 'My Girlfriend's Boyfriend,' it takes a lot out of me emotionally; and, at the end of it, I feel like I know the audience and the audience knows me. It's this weird unspoken bond that we'll kind of always have with each other. "