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" You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. "

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" It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. "

" I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. "

" If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. "

" Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. "

" I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. "

" This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. "

" If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. "

" Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. "

" Be quick to learn and wise to know. "

" You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. "

" I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. "

" If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. "

" Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. "

" I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. "

" I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. "

" You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. "

" Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. "

" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

" Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. "

" I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money. "

" Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. "

" The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. "

" First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" At my age flowers scare me. "

" Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. "

" How can I die? I'm booked. "