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" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

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" It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" It sounds funny, but I always try to keep an open mind about what I'm writing about. Sometimes I squeak my opinions in there, but generally I don't. I try to be objective about things that I'm writing about. "

John Mellencamp

" I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. "

" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. "

" Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. "

" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "

" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "

" I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body. "

Kristen Stewart

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. "

" I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" I have never been hurt by what I have not said. "

Calvin Coolidge

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. "

George Jean Nathan

" I don't mean to be funny. "

" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

" I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. "

Mercedes McCambridge