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" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
" Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. "
" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
" My father used to call me the laughing hyena. "
" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "