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" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
Phyllis Diller
Old
You
Blood
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" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
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Him
Down
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" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
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Justice
Just
Look
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
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Ghetto
Money
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" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "
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Life
My Life
My Own
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
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Eighteen
Behind
Ironing
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
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Through
Show
Old Age
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
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Children
Advice
Follow
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
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Chance
Funny
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
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Drive
Admit
Miles
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
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Say
How
Career
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
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Grass
Fresh
Lady
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
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Millionaire
Like
Know
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
Phyllis Diller
Aim
Aim High
High
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
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You
Own
Look
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
Phyllis Diller
Bad
Thanksgiving
Thought
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
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Song
Bad
End
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
Phyllis Diller
Home
Children
Parenting
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
Phyllis Diller
Back
Lot
Yard
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
Phyllis Diller
Right
Better
Knew
" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
Phyllis Diller
Walker
Know
Old
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
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Children
Want
Things
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
Phyllis Diller
Everything
Curve
Smile
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Rest
Will
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
Phyllis Diller
Three
Just
Bank
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
Phyllis Diller
Shoes
Barefoot
Know
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
Phyllis Diller
Half
Hour
Lasted
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller
Talk
Children
Down
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
Phyllis Diller
Mother-In-Law
Left
Knee
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
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Cleaning
Growing
Up