Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "
" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
" Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. "
" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "