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" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
Phyllis Diller
Shoes
Barefoot
Know
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" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
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" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
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" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
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" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
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" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
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" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
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" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
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" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
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Justice
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" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning
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" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
Phyllis Diller
Half
Hour
Lasted
" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "
Phyllis Diller
Head
Real
Reason
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
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Children
Want
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" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
Phyllis Diller
Guy
Same
Men
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
Phyllis Diller
Mother-In-Law
Left
Knee
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
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Like
Know
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
Phyllis Diller
Song
Bad
End
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
Phyllis Diller
You
Own
Look
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
Phyllis Diller
Drive
Admit
Miles
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
Phyllis Diller
Aim
Aim High
High
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
Phyllis Diller
Licking
Our
Picture
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
Phyllis Diller
Three
Just
Bank
" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
Phyllis Diller
Walker
Know
Old
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
Phyllis Diller
Good
Only
Beauty
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
Phyllis Diller
Old
You
Blood
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
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You
Chance
Funny
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
Phyllis Diller
Through
Show
Old Age
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
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Looking
Job
Day
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
Phyllis Diller
Outfit
Football
Play