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" My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. "

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" I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' "

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" I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. "

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" Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' "

" I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. "

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" I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. "

" I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. "

" My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. "

" Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. "

" I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' "

" I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. "